I feel like super hero tonight! Not in the valiant, I just saved Gotham city again way, but in the Stretch Armstrong, elastic stretched so thin it's gonna break, sorta way. I think that's a run on and on sentence but frankly, I'm tired tired to give two rips.
I did manage, however, to find five minutes of solace in the thick of it all. The throne room has become my sanctuary. No, not that Throne room. The out house, the john, the can, the whatever you like to call it so it doesn't sound as disgusting as it is room.
The breather begins with calculations of exactly how much line would it take to string up 3.25 children by their toenails. Too much energy, not enough torque. Plan B. Duct tape. How much to suspend them mid-way up the wall, just enough to see their feet dangle? Ugh, I only have a piece of a roll. Hey, that's just enough to cover their mouths. Bingo!
Once the adrenaline wears off, more pleasant thoughts arise.
Like that quote from Mother Teresa, whom I am not. Let me repeat..I am not! See above. You know the one where she says "I know God won't give me any more than I can handle, I just wish He didn't trust me so much." Yea, that one, right outta nowhere, upside the head, instant humility.
Suddenly I realized that He has given me all of this. These kids, how can He trust me enough? Maybe it's because He knows I will be overwhelmed and have to rely on Him. He has to be my strength when I am empty. He puts those pleasant words in my mouth when I want to fly off of the handle. He has given me a heart that prays daily to be a good mother and He gives me the opportunities to grow into just that.
I know that they won't always be in my home. And no Lovely will NOT live in my basement forever and ever as she hopes to. I can feel the emptiness of a quiet house that I know I will inherit someday. God help me to cherish these trying times, duct tape and all.
Monday, April 21, 2014
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Being Complete
I promised myself when I started this blog that I would not use it to vent. I lied! I think I can do this in a tactful tone or at least I will try.
On multiple occasions I've had to defend my relationship status, which is non-existent. My close friends can breathe a sigh of relief now! It seems that just answering the question "are you seeing anybody" is no longer sufficient. It's usually followed by a barrage of additional questions that for some reason demand answers. Avoidance is not an option. Inquiring minds want to know. The public deserves, has earned, a right to now every detail about my private life. When did this come about? When did boundaries become an obstacle to climb?
After several encounters like this I sometimes walk away quite wounded. I'm tired of hearing that I'm not complete without a partner. I don't like feeling insufficient because I choose to be single. (Ok my tone is elevating, I should probably wrap this up) Just know that walking this line is not easy and the commentary from the sidelines only makes it painfully slower. I'd be more appreciative of encouragement and occasional pat on the back than the digging questions and sly looks as if everyone has me all figured out.
In other words, just let me be. That's it. I just want to be. Just as I am. Be. Without trying to change me. Be. And at the end of the day, I think that's all anyone wants. I believe that just as I am, I am complete. I am complete in Christ.
I could elaborate all night on this but honestly I'm tired of even thinking about it or giving energy to it. I wish people would be more respectful of boundaries, convictions, and life choices. That's all.
Oh and FYI, I'm not a man bashing, bra burning, vegan feminist. Ok, maybe I am a feminist, but just barely!
On multiple occasions I've had to defend my relationship status, which is non-existent. My close friends can breathe a sigh of relief now! It seems that just answering the question "are you seeing anybody" is no longer sufficient. It's usually followed by a barrage of additional questions that for some reason demand answers. Avoidance is not an option. Inquiring minds want to know. The public deserves, has earned, a right to now every detail about my private life. When did this come about? When did boundaries become an obstacle to climb?
After several encounters like this I sometimes walk away quite wounded. I'm tired of hearing that I'm not complete without a partner. I don't like feeling insufficient because I choose to be single. (Ok my tone is elevating, I should probably wrap this up) Just know that walking this line is not easy and the commentary from the sidelines only makes it painfully slower. I'd be more appreciative of encouragement and occasional pat on the back than the digging questions and sly looks as if everyone has me all figured out.
In other words, just let me be. That's it. I just want to be. Just as I am. Be. Without trying to change me. Be. And at the end of the day, I think that's all anyone wants. I believe that just as I am, I am complete. I am complete in Christ.
I could elaborate all night on this but honestly I'm tired of even thinking about it or giving energy to it. I wish people would be more respectful of boundaries, convictions, and life choices. That's all.
Oh and FYI, I'm not a man bashing, bra burning, vegan feminist. Ok, maybe I am a feminist, but just barely!
Saturday, April 5, 2014
The Replacements
Today I had to take a road trip to a town just a hop, skip and a jump away from my home. No big deal, I love road trips. I love to just float down the highway with a little less traffic, let me mind go where it will and then be brought back to reality by the thousands of questions my kids come up with along the way.
Little did I know this journey would involve a trip down memory lane. Our destination took us down back roads that once carried me to the best fishing spots on that side of the county. I remembered the banks of the various creeks and rivers we passed, my heart longed for the simplicity of those times and the company I was with. Love was real then. Heartbreak was a myth. The future was unknown. Time seemed slower and life was certainly not overwhelming but soaked up little by little.
I'll admit, it hurt. It still hurts. Life today was not what I intended for it to be back then. Ocassionally you have to let dreams die I guess.
A few hours later, on the second half of today's journey, I was reminded of one of God's promises. As I laughed and carried on with people whom a year ago did not even exist in my circle, I could see Truth manifesting itself before my eyes. Without even knowing, my church family soothed the pain of the previous hours, not in some super spiritual prayer-soaked revival fest, but just by sharing themselves and their time. They are becoming a part of me and taking up residence in my heart. I am forever grateful for the addition.
I'm learning that whatever we sacrifice, God replaces abundantly. I may not always see it immediately, but He is always faithful. That's been a hard lesson to learn but the peace it brings is worth the effort.
I can hear one of my old Pastors now singing "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now..." It's been hard, I've made mistakes, but I'm still here and I'm still learning.
Little did I know this journey would involve a trip down memory lane. Our destination took us down back roads that once carried me to the best fishing spots on that side of the county. I remembered the banks of the various creeks and rivers we passed, my heart longed for the simplicity of those times and the company I was with. Love was real then. Heartbreak was a myth. The future was unknown. Time seemed slower and life was certainly not overwhelming but soaked up little by little.
I'll admit, it hurt. It still hurts. Life today was not what I intended for it to be back then. Ocassionally you have to let dreams die I guess.
A few hours later, on the second half of today's journey, I was reminded of one of God's promises. As I laughed and carried on with people whom a year ago did not even exist in my circle, I could see Truth manifesting itself before my eyes. Without even knowing, my church family soothed the pain of the previous hours, not in some super spiritual prayer-soaked revival fest, but just by sharing themselves and their time. They are becoming a part of me and taking up residence in my heart. I am forever grateful for the addition.
I'm learning that whatever we sacrifice, God replaces abundantly. I may not always see it immediately, but He is always faithful. That's been a hard lesson to learn but the peace it brings is worth the effort.
I can hear one of my old Pastors now singing "I wouldn't take nothing for my journey now..." It's been hard, I've made mistakes, but I'm still here and I'm still learning.
"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life."
Matt 19:29
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