Lingering words..

I sure hope this doesn't come out sounding like a diary entry.  That would be scary!  I do find myself as the days go by being more and more creative in a variety of ways.  Tonight words seem sufficient.

After a day of wrestling with my thoughts, feelings, and desires I am left with what I can describe only as an intense hunger.  There is an emptiness that leaves me feeling completely hollow.  It almost burns like a toothache deep within the soul.  I have a love/hate relationship with it.

I hate it because it has yet to be filled.  One part of me is delighted in the void, since it would indicate that the chasm is not overflowing with waste, likened to a landfill.  Parts of my heart have been purged and cleansed and left waiting.  See I've been praying for that hunger.  I've been begging to yearn for God again.  I remember those days.  Not that I want to harp on the past but those days were beautiful.  Love was fresh and new, like spring.  The atmosphere brimmed with possibilities. Each day started with me leaping from my bed with anticipation.  Not so much anymore.  I've allowed the chaos of my life to somewhat rob me of that wonder. 

I've seen a lot of disaster over the past few years.  Actually, if I were to be completely honest, since I became a Christian, I've lost everything but my children.  Wow!  That statement would make everyone want to sign up, huh?!  Well, yea, it should because despite everything, I am still here!  I am still crying out and waiting on God.  That should prove that what I've found in Him was and still is worth losing everything, if need be.  If He were just a simple emotion, or a single tear stirred by a song, if He were only a second wind that soon died down, or fear that is easily overcome, He would not be worthy of tossing in all of one's chips.  He is my ace in the hole!

I've been dealing with this "emptiness" for quite some time now but tonight was the first time I was able to pinpoint its cause.  All of this time I'd been trying to fill the void with almost anything I could get my hands on.  Lets face it, its uncomfortable.  Feel sad, eat a cookie or five.  Need distraction, Pinterest!!!  Want intimacy, let your fingers do the walking..on the phone I mean..geez!  You get the idea.  But recently I made a commitment to not settle for those counterfeits.  Soon I found that starving those desires only makes them angry, and they cry out even louder.

However, I find solice in the words of a friend a few years ago.  He said, "being completely bankrupt means there is more there for God to fill."  So I sit here waving my spiritual eviction notice, inviting God to once again be my only tenant.  By faith, He is already chillin on the couch eating popcorn!

Why the wonder?

Well, it seems my past posts have disappeared.  Oh well.  So here we go again....


Most of you have read my facebook post regarding my brother.  I appreciate the outpour of love and prayers.  My hope is that every promised prayer has reached the highest heavens and we eagerly await the Lord's response.

Even though circumstances look grim, the Lord has given me such an unfathomable peace.  Everything in me wants to see the changed man I visited with yesterday get up off of that bed, greet the world with purpose and praise the One who came to his rescue.  But I realize that those are my desires.  And yes, it those desires that I pray earnestly for, until I reach the end of my petitions, with which I close with "your will be done."  Because I don't know.  I don't know if it was in His generous mercy to allow my brother to taste and see that the Lord is good just before ushering Him home.  I don't know if this is only the beginning of decades of service.  Truth is, I just don't know.

And this is what causes me to question.  Here is my answer.  Some may say I lack faith because I don't scream that I am believing for complete healing.  In all actuality, I am.  I just understand that we may not see that this side of glory.  While my prayers are full of those mountain moving verses and my tears flow from a heart agonizing over his pain, I understand that it is not my words that thwart God's plan.  If it is His plan to heal, He will heal.  If not, then He will not.  Its not for me to decide. 

I don't have faith in my faith.  I don't have faith in my biblical knowledge.  I don't have faith in anything other than God's nature.  I know that His actions, wheither I agree with them or not, are motivated by love.  I've learned to trust in Him, no matter how crushing circumstances may get.  I've grown to understand that I don't know it all, or even the smallest, most tiny, crust of a corner of anything.  But I do know Him.  What little bit of Him I do know bids me to come and rest and trust, and to give Him my heart to console, to be soothed.  He invites me to imagine eternity that is now to be spent with Him and my brother.  And that is enough for me.

To gain that Heavenly perspective changes everything.  The joys of seeing us together, free from distress, without bodily hindrances, cheerfully chasing one another as children often do!  Frolicking through flower filled fields as our loving Father proudly looks upon us.  Even in heaven, I know Tony will catch me, grab me in a headlock and give me a noogie as I struggle to get away.  Oh and how we will fall down in the tall grasses, laughing from the deepest places in our bellies, over-joyed by the fun but mostly overwhelmed by the notion that we were chosen to be a part of the grandest display of love.

Now maybe you see why I am not charging the heavens with my prideful pleas.  I am too busy resting in eternal promises.