Lingering words..

I sure hope this doesn't come out sounding like a diary entry.  That would be scary!  I do find myself as the days go by being more and more creative in a variety of ways.  Tonight words seem sufficient.

After a day of wrestling with my thoughts, feelings, and desires I am left with what I can describe only as an intense hunger.  There is an emptiness that leaves me feeling completely hollow.  It almost burns like a toothache deep within the soul.  I have a love/hate relationship with it.

I hate it because it has yet to be filled.  One part of me is delighted in the void, since it would indicate that the chasm is not overflowing with waste, likened to a landfill.  Parts of my heart have been purged and cleansed and left waiting.  See I've been praying for that hunger.  I've been begging to yearn for God again.  I remember those days.  Not that I want to harp on the past but those days were beautiful.  Love was fresh and new, like spring.  The atmosphere brimmed with possibilities. Each day started with me leaping from my bed with anticipation.  Not so much anymore.  I've allowed the chaos of my life to somewhat rob me of that wonder. 

I've seen a lot of disaster over the past few years.  Actually, if I were to be completely honest, since I became a Christian, I've lost everything but my children.  Wow!  That statement would make everyone want to sign up, huh?!  Well, yea, it should because despite everything, I am still here!  I am still crying out and waiting on God.  That should prove that what I've found in Him was and still is worth losing everything, if need be.  If He were just a simple emotion, or a single tear stirred by a song, if He were only a second wind that soon died down, or fear that is easily overcome, He would not be worthy of tossing in all of one's chips.  He is my ace in the hole!

I've been dealing with this "emptiness" for quite some time now but tonight was the first time I was able to pinpoint its cause.  All of this time I'd been trying to fill the void with almost anything I could get my hands on.  Lets face it, its uncomfortable.  Feel sad, eat a cookie or five.  Need distraction, Pinterest!!!  Want intimacy, let your fingers do the walking..on the phone I mean..geez!  You get the idea.  But recently I made a commitment to not settle for those counterfeits.  Soon I found that starving those desires only makes them angry, and they cry out even louder.

However, I find solice in the words of a friend a few years ago.  He said, "being completely bankrupt means there is more there for God to fill."  So I sit here waving my spiritual eviction notice, inviting God to once again be my only tenant.  By faith, He is already chillin on the couch eating popcorn!