I dislike coming up with titles!

This post is so appropriate for today's holiday.  After all, while we celebrate the men and women who serve our country, we are ultimately celebrating what their contribution has bought.  Freedom.

This post celebrates my own liberation that became as clear as day to me as I soaked up the sun along a sandy beach earlier.  I'll admit, this weekend could've been very difficult if I had chosen to dwell on the fact that this would've been my 3 year wedding anniversary.  Its been a fleeting thought but I refuse to let it take root.  Whoo hoo!  Tonya 1, Sorrow 0!

Today as I laid there I noticed that I did not even once feel insecure.  Usually, I would make sure to suck in, always using proper posture as to make the right parts look right!  Instead, I just plopped it all out, bam...  I wasn't there to impress, but to decompress.  And it felt good.  Real good.

I was able to relax!!!  I didn't fear any disasters that would crop up while I was away.  As a matter of fact, I was even able to tuck the phone away on silent!!  That's a breakthrough right there!  For those few hours it was just me and my girls, resting in God's glorious creation, completely oblivious to demands or duties.  I repeated to myself more than once how I'd like to live continuously like that.  Constantly at rest inwardly even while engaging the world in normal day to day activity.  I do believe its possible, actually I believe its a promise.  I want to see that come to reality.  I'm getting closer every day.

Last but not least, I was able to be completely present with my girls.  My mind didn't flit back and forth between the past and the future.  Their laughter played like a song in my ear, one that is often drowned out by thought after thought after thought.  How exhausting!  Today I noticed everything.  Raven's curls as they tickled her face, flirting with those oversized diva sunglasses she insisted on wearing.  At one point she chose to read a book.  I'm thinking what kid reads at the beach?  My kid, that's who!!!  I find her curiosity fascinating.  And Lovely, oh lovely.  She comes out with both barrels, ready to wrangle the sea.  A true grit kinda girl.  Fearless.  Fabulous.

This is my freedom.  I am so grateful!  Sure its not easy sometimes, it can be quite a fight.  But I thank God for teaching how to fight and that I'm worthy of the fight.  Oh crap I see Mel Gibson's face now  FREEEDDOOOOMM!  Free from myself, or my old self, who never knew myself, therefore could never be myself...does that make sense at all?  Who cares!  Happy Memorial Day!!!

Aghast! Chevron!

If anyone reading this ever sees me even remotely mention the terms chevron, chevy, or ron, I personally give you permission to slap me thrice upside the head with a Mr. T ring collection.

It all started like any other saturday.  The sun beaming through my window allowed me to wallow under the covers without the usual demanding routine of a workday.  Ahh...love Saturdays!  Then it was off to the store to purchase supplies for a small (ha) painting project.  We were all excited, until the work began.  After the easy part of painting the base color, I consulted Pinterest to get the details for laying out the chevron pattern.  Dang you Pinterest!  Ok, so, it looks easy enough...lets begin.

Ahhh....where did the easy go?  Why would those tutorial toots lie?  Is this a practical joke?  Why, why did I insist on trying something that involved thinking?  And thinking on a Saturday?  Nobody wants to think on a Saturday!

Oh and not just run of the mill thinking but mathematical thinking!! Noooo!  Now some would consider me a borderline genius (lol) but I exponentially loathe math, and all math related concepts.  I kept praying for a pencil pushing superhero, complete with a pocket protector and straight edge to come and save the day.  Guess there was some big budget disaster that needed solving first.  I understand.

I sit here now, blowing off this steam, knowing that the project is only a third of the way complete.  I can't muster up the gumption to go in and stare at that pitiful display of painters tape.  I need Susan Powter to show up with her bag of mojo.

I'm gonna finish it.  It will not beat me.  I know where the matches are!

My biggest hope is that I don't wake up in a cold sweat, dreaming of a one-eyed, monocal wearing, monster of a man who's tied me up with blue painters tape while he water boards me with teal, flat, latex paint.  Ahhhhhh....................

Easy Like Sunday Morning

Ok nothing heavy here tonight.  I just simply felt like writing, needing some sort of release.  My life topic for the week has been the sufferings of Jesus and quite frankly, that's not anything I want to write about!  However its an important topic, so maybe one day.

So I spent a good deal of time the other night reading some blogs I had written over 6 years or so ago.  They were funny, blunt, over the top, and some quite lewd.  But they were definitely Tonya!  With each post I was thinking how much I have changed over the years.  Some of the changes are very welcomed!  But I can say that I honestly miss some of that part of me.  She was unabashed, unscathed by the opinions of others.  She was able to express herself freely, confidently.  She didn't hide behind this pious persona.  What happened?

Religion happened.

Years of pumping theology into my veins robbed me of myself.

Everyone says enjoy the journey.  Have they forgotten that the journey often involves stumbling, skinned knees, mouths full of feet, and faceplants?  Speak a word out of place, believe a slightly different doctrine, or speak your mind and suddenly you are delievered into your handbasket headed straight for hell. 

Look, I said this was gonna be light!  I said  to myself when I started writing that I wouldn't mention Jesus, or church or anything of the sort.  Impossible!  Why do you consume me so?

Relationship happened (again)!

Here's to reclaiming the salvaged land of my heart.  I'm taking back what the ordinance enforcers tried to steal.  I'm finding freedom to be me, warts and all, and I have big russian Ulga warts with coarse, black hairs curling out of them!

I know I'll probably never fit in with the crowd (never have).  I can't look the part, I tried, God knows I tried.  And He knows that I absolutely refuse to ever awkwardly force myself into another dress!  Besides, Jesus didn't wear pumps and wasn't it the devil who wore Prada?!

Mama's day!

What an awesome day!!!

I must admit, I was not expecting today to be so wonderful.  Each passing holiday since my separation brings slight anxiety simply because its different.  I recall holidays of the past with different settings and people.  Mother's day has a little more sting since it emphasizes the fact that I am a single mom.  I loathe that stigma somewhat but its growing on me!  :)

This morning I was still rocking the mouth pain but I'm medicated now so forgive me if I slur a bit!  I stumbled down the stairs, prepared my java fix, and was soon dragged to the floor by two little darlings just dying to shower me with love.  It was like Christmas!  Tons of makeshift gifts, one after the other, filled my lap.  They were so proud of their creations.  I was overwhelmed by the beauty of each piece, the time involved in making them.  I could just see their little hands and hearts working overtime to make mommy feel special.  It definitely paid off.  Mommy felt like a queen!

A few hours later I find myself at the front of the church, lights glaring down on me, to receive an Extreme Room Makeover for the little ones.  They have prayed and prayed that they would be chosen.  They were spilling over with excitement when my name was called.  From what I hear, they were having something likened to a small seizure when they fully realized they had won!  Too cool!!

All of this was great but there was still an aching in my heart for my Harmony.  I didn't expect to hear from her today.  Our relationship has been strained and she has been living with her father for the past few weeks.  It has been difficult to say the least.  Imagine my surprise and tears when I read her Happy Mother's Day text.  My heart melted right there in the kitchen.  A few hours later she's sitting across from me eating dinner!  We are smiling and laughing and just enjoying each other.  It was awesome!

The kicker, the ultimate, the bombdiggity, of it all was spending the time with my Mama.  Its been awesome to watch God restore that relationship and in the most unusual way.  I'll never forget the day that changed it all.  I can still feel her hands on my face as she tried to take the pain away.  I marvel at the fact that she is able to pour out that unconditional love that I always dreamed of.  She does so much, this little paragraph in this silly little blog could never repay her for what she deserves.  I'm pretty blessed to have an awesome Mama.  I wish it hadn't taken me so long to see that!

Now, tomorrow, when all of the pomp and circumstance wears off, when its back to the grinding routine, lets remember that we are honored everyday.  Instead of cards and flowers or jewelry or those special gifts, we get hugs and kisses and huge messes!  I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.  I love being a Mama!

Snail's Pace

This is me just sharing an epiphany (gosh I really like that word).  I do not claim to be an expert at anything.  Just meandering through day by day.

And today, even though I tried to make the best of it, absolutely sucked!  I have a toothache that has somewhat eased off after imbibing Tylenol and ibuprofen by the boat loads.  God have mercy on my liver!

I don't tell this to invoke pity.  I have an ample supply on my own!  But it provides a backdrop for this little story so bare with me or you could pray for me.  I want enjoy Mother's day tomorrow and church and be able to cook dinner for Mom's so she can enjoy hers.

Anywho...  I've spent the day feeling as if a butcher knife, ok maybe not butcher knife..umm..perhaps something smaller with a nice, heavy, serrated edge, was constantly stabbing me in the face, twisting as it slides out, then repeating this cruel action.  ALL DAY!  Surely I've prayed, groveled even.  Eh, nothing.  Somewhere deep inside there are these whispers of lies, familiar, yet somehow believable.  I've heard them before, no doubt, over other issues that I can't seem to find relief.  They sound something like, "well if God really loved you, He would remove those things."  "Hmm..some God He is, can't even remedy a simple ______."  Whatever.  Truth be told, I'm just reaping damage caused by years of abuse to my body.  But I digress.

The point of that shpill is this.  Hogwash!

Oh I hope it doesn't take years to tear down these images I still hold of a false god.  The god that is hateful and wrathful and full of vengeance.  That's not who I've fallen in love with.  I can't worship that.  I can't believe in that.  I can only fear that.  Which brings me to my next point.

I've heard the Lord say several times over the past few weeks that I didn't fear Him.  Me thinking this was a terrible atrocity, secretly vowed to fear Him more, thinking this was His desire.  Now don't get me wrong, fear is different from reverence.

There is no freedom in fear.  There are only chains, heavy, heavy chains. Life is stifled.  There is no dancing, no joy, nothing but empty strivings, backbreaking worship and drowning sweat.  No adoration, no honor, only nose to the grind, competition, and judgment. This hell is where I (and most Christians) spend their spiritual life.  Who wouldn't backslide.  At least when you are serving the enemy you are pleasing him.  At least one of you is satisfied.


"In love there can be no fear, but fear is driven out by perfect love, because to fear is to expect punishment, and anyone who is afraid is still imperfect in love."  1 John 4:18

I'm getting it!  And its, He's something I thought I'd never get!

And it all started with this excerpt:

"Remember Atlas, who carries the whole world?"  We have Christian Atlases who mistakenly carry the burden of trying to deserve God's love.  Even the mere watching of this lifestyle is depressing.  I'd like to say to Atlas: "Put that globe down and dance on it.  That's why God made it."  And to these weary Christian Atlases: "Lay down your load and build your life on God's Love."  We don't have to earn this love; neither do we have to support it.  It is a free gift.  Jesus calls out: "Come to Me, all you Atlases who are weary and find life burdensome, and I will refresh you." (Brennan Manning, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus)  I grown to love this man!

After reading this I laughed so hard!  I often refer to myself as Atlas, complete with arm gestures, imaginary globe and bulging neck muscles!  Too funny!

So tonight, I lay it all down again.  Sure I'll probably pick some of it up tomorrow but tonight, I will rest easy while my spirit dances.  Because slowly but surely I learn that it can.  I'm finding that I'm a prodigal X 50 daily.  But when just a simple thought of Him causes me to turn around, I always find Him chasing me down.  That's a love that changed the world, mine included.  Foolishness, I know.  Satisfying.. indefinitely.

Attitude is Everything

Recently, when I was on the cusp of what turned out to be one of the darkest nights of my soul, I had a friend tell me to "be thankful in all things for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  I secretly, or maybe not so secretly, chuckled under my breath.  Who on earth could be thankful for these disasters that have unfolded in my life, I asked myself.

I sat there that morning in the middle of a broken marriage, financially screwed, overwhelmed by fear, struggling with my sexuality and seeing no way out.    I was feeling a myriad of emotions but thankfulness was not one of them.

Its easy to depend on God for the little things, even easy to depend on Him for that one big, hard thing.  But to have to depend on Him for everything?  I didn't even know where to start or how to let Him in.  Feeling like such a failure, I tried and tried to figure it out on my own.  Frustration kicked in and soon I found myself so consumed by the devastation, that I couldn't even face the very One who could help me out of my situation.  Alone and helpless, I ran.  I bathed in the darkness that surrounded me.  I thought it was all over. 

Now that redemption is here, I see where I could've done things differently.  I could have chosen to not focus so much on the problems but seek the problem solver.   Knowing how much He had already done in my life should have made me more secure in the victory of the current circumstances. It would've been more productive to pray about those situations and seek His comfort than to run out of anger.  I could've reminded myself that difficulties produce perseverance, to rely on His strength and to look forward to experience I would gain if I stuck it out.  Shoulda, coulda, woulda.

Here I can be thankful for my failure.  I know that I will probably be faced with similar tests.  I am grateful that I have learned what not to do!!  Lets pray I remember when the time comes.

These days, living in the light once again, I am determined to stir up that thankful attitude.  It would be so easy to get caught up in the humdrum routine.  I can hear the early morning commentary now.."nothing ever changes,"  "I do the same thing day in and day out," "will life ever get any better?"  "Ugh, I get so tired of being tired," "Just once, I wish something would work out."  "What's the point?"

Instead, I purposefully start the day out with gratitude.  For instance, this morning - the craziest of all mornings, that began with me falling down the stairs, could've turned into an all out nasty mess.  Rather, after I gathered my wits and nursed my groin muscles, I was grateful I that I didn't have to crawl from the base of the stairs in search of my phone to call 911 as my bone protruded out of my skin.  I know, I can be a bit morbid!

We all have so much to be thankful for.  Sure there are hurts and pains that need healing and grieving that must be experienced after tragedies, but we don't have to live in them perpetually.   Find ten things you can be grateful for and ask God to open your eyes to the miracles in your life.  I guarantee your list of gratitude will grow and grow.

Just so ya know I ain't blowing smoke up your, well...  here is my list.  Chances are YOU are on here!!

I am grateful for a wonderful family.  Even though they are full of quirks, they love me unconditionally.  And if you know ME, you know that this is a huge deal!  I am grateful for loving, nurturing friends.  They invest their time in me, listen to my ramblings, water those seeds that God has placed in me, laugh at my sometimes crude humor, and pray diligently for me.  My children, oh they are so precious.  I learn so much from them.  I enjoy every moment we grow together.  They are silly, pugnacious, and curious.  They remind me what its like to be a kid and help me strive to become that again.  They aggrevate the snot out of me and even this has become a joy.  I am grateful I have a roof over my head, a job that allows me to hang out with the most awesomest people alive.  Yes, they aggrevate the snot out of me too!  I have food, I have transportation, actually, I have it better than 2/3 of the world's population.  This list could go on and on.

Now I understand this verse:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippian 4:8,9


Focusing on the good things will keep me so busy, I won't have time to think of anything less.  Life is good!  God is good!  And as my friend Pat would say "Always!"

Roaring like a Lion!!!

Rawr!

I'm sooo pumped up right now!  I just gotta get it out!  This morning's message was such a confirmation to me.  The Lord has just been pouring in all week and today was just the triumphal clanging of the cymbal.

All week, I have been reminded to number my days.  I think this was especially stirred by Tony's near death experience.  I remembered those who have gone on and wondered if they left this world fulfilling their mission.  Everyone has a mission.  If your life did not have purpose, you would not have life.  I don't want to waste mine.  I don't want to get to the end and be grieving over my regrets.  I want to exhale my last breathe feeling accomplished. 

I've been reading a book about biblical wisdom that only served to drive home this idea.  I want to make wise choices, so why not rely on the One who is all knowing, the One who knows the end from the beginning and who will lead and guide me into my destiny through knowledge and discipline.

Today's message was titled "Digging Ditches."  In other words, GET BUSY!

See recently I've been so focused on the sin in my life, my imperfections, that I've forgotten the sin of omission.  You know, when you know the good things you should be doing and aren't.  This is sin and a huge travesty.

I've got dreams so big they almost swallow me whole.  There are seeds of a great destiny planted in everyone.  Sadly, very few ever reach their full potential.  For me, my downfalls are procrastination, fear of failure, believing the lies about myself and abilities, and indesicion.  Its easy to lay around despondent when your head is so full of crap.

Today, I will not neglect the day of small beginnings.  This blog here, is a small beginning for me.  It took faith for me to start spilling myself out, if only to a few readers.  If God is in it, He will use it to change others.  Maybe these few ideas and thoughts will spark something in another and have them grab hold of a piece of hope or encouragement.  Maybe, just maybe...

There are other little dreams inside us all, that I believe lead to bigger dreams if we stick with them.  Some people have been sitting on the fence so long you are about to be impaled by your own indescision.  DO SOMETHING!!  Yes, I'm screaming this to myself!!

Stop listening to that stupid audio in your head that says you can't.  You know, its so familiar.  You aren't smart enough to do that.  That will never work.  You think anybody is going to listen to you?  You can't go to school, you don't have the time.  Why are you here, nobody likes you?  Why are you even trying?  You know you are going to fall flat on your face.  You know, you should probably play it safe.

SHUT UP!!

I think we should all forget the former things and press on to what lies ahead.  Put your hand to the plow and get busy.  Start somewhere.  Listen to the whispers in your Spirit and act.  Sure there are times to wait on God, be patient and let things unfold as He would have them.  But how many different ways does He have to impress His will upon us?  Does He have to write a paragraph in the clouds before we will do simple acts of kindness and love without a hidden agenda?  So many of us want God to guide us, but He is not going to drag us like a dog on a leash that refuses walk.  Stop sitting on the side of the road, looking down at the murky ditchwater because life didn't work out the way you wanted it to.  Stand up, dust yourself off, and start walking again.  Pretty soon destiny will pull over and ask if you want a ride.

Its me again Margeret

I just spent a great deal of time working on a few posts about love and influence, and yes, the posts include scripture and the Lord and all of this spiritual stuff.  While I love that and love to meditate on those things, I think its time I be a little more practical, if that's the right word. 

Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in the higher stuff that we can no longer relate.  Sometimes I find that I often hide my personality behind my spirituality.  I am still human.  I hurt.  I cry.  I worry.  I laugh obniouxously!  Snort even!!  I struggle.  I succeed.  Basically, I live!

The past two weeks have turned my world upside down.  Yes, this stuff with my brother has really sucked.  And thank you all again for your prayers.  I have the bestest friends and family ever!  But there has been so much good that has come from this ordeal.  There has been a lot of healing and reconciliation amongst the family.  Everyone has gotten closer.  For these moments, love is overflowing as it should be.  I hope it all continues.

I think we all need those wake up calls from time to time.  If only we could notice the important things in life without tragedy having to strike.  If we wouldn't fall asleep, we'd never need a wake up call.

I've never in all of my life shared such a sweet, pure, honest conversation with my brother as I did the first night I visited with him.  To see such a hardcore, no holds barred man, insist I make peace with my sister, was baffling.  For me to tenderly touch him, caress his hair like a mother would dote on her child was so natural yet a first for us.  Sheltering my sister as she sobbed...my God..these things are all that matter!!  Why, why are we so hard and closed off most of the time?  Why can we not just slow down and enjoy each other without having to rush from moment to moment?  Why can't we shut up long enough to listen to each other?  Why do we not greet each other with open arms and patiently linger in embraces?  Why do we not rush to other's aid without first selfishly considering ourselves or rushing to judge the worthiness of the needy?  I see it.  I see it so clearly now.  I know what I want to be when I grow up.  I want to be like my Daddy.