This is me just sharing an epiphany (gosh I really like that word). I do not claim to be an expert at anything. Just meandering through day by day.
And today, even though I tried to make the best of it, absolutely sucked! I have a toothache that has somewhat eased off after imbibing Tylenol and ibuprofen by the boat loads. God have mercy on my liver!
I don't tell this to invoke pity. I have an ample supply on my own! But it provides a backdrop for this little story so bare with me or you could pray for me. I want enjoy Mother's day tomorrow and church and be able to cook dinner for Mom's so she can enjoy hers.
Anywho... I've spent the day feeling as if a butcher knife, ok maybe not butcher knife..umm..perhaps something smaller with a nice, heavy, serrated edge, was constantly stabbing me in the face, twisting as it slides out, then repeating this cruel action. ALL DAY! Surely I've prayed, groveled even. Eh, nothing. Somewhere deep inside there are these whispers of lies, familiar, yet somehow believable. I've heard them before, no doubt, over other issues that I can't seem to find relief. They sound something like, "well if God really loved you, He would remove those things." "Hmm..some God He is, can't even remedy a simple ______." Whatever. Truth be told, I'm just reaping damage caused by years of abuse to my body. But I digress.
The point of that shpill is this. Hogwash!
Oh I hope it doesn't take years to tear down these images I still hold of a false god. The god that is hateful and wrathful and full of vengeance. That's not who I've fallen in love with. I can't worship that. I can't believe in that. I can only fear that. Which brings me to my next point.
I've heard the Lord say several times over the past few weeks that I didn't fear Him. Me thinking this was a terrible atrocity, secretly vowed to fear Him more, thinking this was His desire. Now don't get me wrong, fear is different from reverence.
There is no freedom in fear. There are only chains, heavy, heavy chains. Life is stifled. There is no dancing, no joy, nothing but empty strivings, backbreaking worship and drowning sweat. No adoration, no honor, only nose to the grind, competition, and judgment. This hell is where I (and most Christians) spend their spiritual life. Who wouldn't backslide. At least when you are serving the enemy you are pleasing him. At least one of you is satisfied.
"In love there can be no fear, but fear is driven out by perfect love, because to fear is to expect punishment, and anyone who is afraid is still imperfect in love." 1 John 4:18
I'm getting it! And its, He's something I thought I'd never get!
And it all started with this excerpt:
"Remember Atlas, who carries the whole world?" We have Christian Atlases who mistakenly carry the burden of trying to deserve God's love. Even the mere watching of this lifestyle is depressing. I'd like to say to Atlas: "Put that globe down and dance on it. That's why God made it." And to these weary Christian Atlases: "Lay down your load and build your life on God's Love." We don't have to earn this love; neither do we have to support it. It is a free gift. Jesus calls out: "Come to Me, all you Atlases who are weary and find life burdensome, and I will refresh you." (Brennan Manning, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus) I grown to love this man!
After reading this I laughed so hard! I often refer to myself as Atlas, complete with arm gestures, imaginary globe and bulging neck muscles! Too funny!
So tonight, I lay it all down again. Sure I'll probably pick some of it up tomorrow but tonight, I will rest easy while my spirit dances. Because slowly but surely I learn that it can. I'm finding that I'm a prodigal X 50 daily. But when just a simple thought of Him causes me to turn around, I always find Him chasing me down. That's a love that changed the world, mine included. Foolishness, I know. Satisfying.. indefinitely.
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