Now I'm no expert, actually I'm more of a jack of all trades (I know a little bit about a lot of things, which makes me great at things like Jeopardy and Trivial Pursuit), but when things start to shift, I take notice. And its now is one of those times! Thank God!
Today, my girls and I went of a treasure hunt / adventure / walk up hill in 6 foot of snow with no shoes...ok that's going a little too far. Actually, on the way back from our looooooong, baking, walk we were dreaming of snow and ice and all things wet and cool. Yesterday, we kind of did more of the same, getting the body pumping, filling the lungs with air...ya know those things kids hate to do these days. This sweaty stuff has become a habit and its great!!
As I prepared for a small get-together Saturday it hit me all of a sudden. I was actually entertaining. I was allowing people into my life and I was willing to step into theirs. This is a miracle. This means I'm out of my depression. This means I'm alive again!!!
You see, it hasn't been that long ago that I couldn't seem to get out of the bed. I walked around with chain of sadness griping my neck, slowly suffocating me. Every ounce of energy I could muster up was used doing the basic things like working and brushing my teeth and faking my smile so I wouldn't have to answer the dreaded question "what's wrong?" All I could see was the emptiness, the darkness that was in front of me. There didn't seem to be a way out and the days were getting longer. Hopelessness is a killer. And at times, you wish it would just get on with the show already. Gratefully, with that last little bit of energy reserved, I was able to pull the curtain cords. This is not an intermission. Show is over!
I've had a few people ask how I did it. My response is, I picked one thing to do to show myself some love, that and therapy! For me that one thing was exercising. Its been proven that exercise is a natural anti-depressant. I didn't really believe that it would help, remember I was hopeless. But it was all I knew to do. It helped tremendously. It relieved a lot of stress and anger I was holding on to and of course when your body starts to resemble a body rather than human sized jello shots, it helps your self esteem. Strut!!
Next, I got myself back into school. I am a goal oriented person so when I feel like I'm stuck and spinning wheels, it effects my overall well-being. Yes, it is stressful but living off of excuses and remaining at the bottom of the totem poll is a lot worse. It feels good to start climbing that mountain again. Progress!!
Lastly (to date), I started loving myself. Like, seriously, unapologetically, loving MY SELF! All of me. Not just the pieces I like but even the pieces I don't like. (And no I have not mastered this, not even close!) I'm working with a deficit in this area, so any amount is a start. I closely monitor what's going on in my head, how I talk to myself. The best way I've found to do this is listening to how I talk to my kids. Would I say the things I say to myself, to my kids? Would I used that tone? Can I be gentle with myself? So far, its working. And it feels good.
I wonder sometimes if anyone knew the darkness I was living in? Do I notice when those around me are enveloped in it? Do I take the time to listen, to observe and help when I recognize it?
If you are reading this and it sounds all too familiar, might I suggest that you don't wait for someone to pull you out. Seek help. Talk with someone. Swallow that big gulp of fear and reach out. Start making small changes. Start realizing that YOU ARE WORTH IT.
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