This time last year she slammed the door, never looking back, not even once. She hoped into that truck in hopes of starting again, building new memories to replace the terrifying ones. I plopped on the couch and rubbed the leather to try to soothe the pain of losing my baby girl as if she'd been ripped from my womb.
For once I couldn't help her. I was so buried under my own tragedies, I couldn't even acknowledge hers. I failed her. I failed myself. All I could do was pray.
Months and months of fear, heartbreak, anger, denial, and more prayer passed. God didn't step down and remedy the situation but He sure revealed the error of my ways. What started out as pleas to make her see her faults turned to begging Him to help me be a better mama. I can't do this alone. I can't love her the way she needs to be loved. Please, please change me. And He did! It took me running to Him constantly. I had to use that cliche "what would Jesus do?" I had to bite my tongue nearly in two at times! Soon trying conversations turned to deep conversations. Rude remarks turned to shenanigans. Punches turned to back rubs! Just kidding!
Today she sits beside me knowing she is loved unconditionally. While she was gone she made choices that forever changed her life. Right now she is cuddling the most beautiful consequence of her actions but it won't always be easy. But to look at her face, full of light and love.. I never thought I would see that face again.
Sometimes God uses what most people would abhor but I was taught to respond with love. I could have turned my back on her but I would have missed out on the wonderful thing God was doing. Oftentimes we are so caught up in the rules and everything is so black and white, right and wrong that we dismiss little miracles.
I'm sorry but if I'm to err, I'd rather err on the side of love..
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