I skipped Church!
I know, I know, it's a terrible travesty. But I did. And I felt enormous amounts of guilt and bags full of questions. You see, I'm a trooper. I'm the militant who won't allow such delinquency. I just don't understand why I couldn't scrap myself off of the bed to slide into my khakis and pop collars with my spiritual family. So I sit here trying to make sense of my lack of sense.
Maybe it's the dread of experiencing a Holy God and understanding that I am so far from the standard. Maybe it's being surrounded by people who know me too well and I'm entertaining perceived judgement that doesn't really exist. Or maybe it's more like a story I read years ago written by a local parrishner of a catholic dioses. Maybe it's all three..
I remember sitting in my OBGYN flipping through magazines trying to pass the time, being shuffled from one waiting room to the next, when I came across this young lady's experience of missing God and His explanation to her abscence. It went something like this (and I'm paraphrasing to the extreme), she was once so devoted, so involved, so consumed but her spiritual life had become so devoid of meaning and full of discontent. After a season of wandering, scheduling conflicts, and finally dropping out all together, she decided to slip back in hoping to regain what was once so fulfilling. Upon return to Church she was unable to secure her regular seat and was forced to sit behind a large beam that obstructed her view of the pulpit. She quietly asked God why she had to sit there where she couldn't see, why did her view change. She felted a response in her heart. "You moved, I didn't."
I get it. I do. But my question (among many) is how does one get back? It's like being out in a huge field and realizing that you're lost. You look around and it's all the same amber hues with no hint of direction. You spin around in a complete 360 and there's still no clue of which way to go. Panic arises, your deepest fears begin to play through your mind, and you begin to pray for direction.
As I look back over my spiritual life, I notice that I've been here before, several times in fact. It brings a great calm reviewing all of times God guided me even when I couldn't see what He was doing. Holy surprises! Dropping a book in my lap at just the right time, sending the right person who'd listen to my longings and questions and wrestle Scripture alongside me, haphazardly sending me places that felt like home even if only briefly. These are but a few examples..
Some would say it's best to get planted, to fall into lockstep and never question. Just do what you see, do what you're told and stop your excuses. But this is my journey, this is God's story unfolding in my life. It's unique, it's scary, it's Divine and it's indescribable. And it's just what I asked for. A constant prayer in my life, I feel, has brought this on. Maybe a frightening, bottom falling out from under you, journey is just what this wandering heart needs to stay bound to Him.
"Lord, never let me be satisfied, always leave me hungry for more.."
No comments:
Post a Comment