I just got home from the E.D. which has become my home away from home since September of last year. This time it was shortness of breath. Last time it was shortness of breath. The time before that was "oh my God I'm dying."
Today I was told that my symptoms would remain with me for the rest of my days. I cried. I cried in the X-ray room. I cried in my regular room. I cried on the way home..
I don't think I've mentally dealt with my diagnosis since it was handed to me last year. I have these blisters all over my lungs that pop causing my lungs to collapse repeatedly. Since my surgery, which involved removing part of my lung and scraping what was left so that it would scar itself to my chest wall so it doesn't collapse again, I've been left with nerve pain and bouts of shortness of breath and pain that mimics a collapsed lung. There, for everyone who didn't know the details!
No one wants to hear that their quality of life will always be diminished. So I didn't listen back then. Or at least I couldn't process it. Today I started to absorb it but I simply refuse to believe it. (This is where my stubbornness comes in handy!). But after lying in bed for two days or becoming completely exhausted or dizzy after doing to most simplest of tasks, I figured its time to face the music.
No one wants to hear that their quality of life will always be diminished. So I didn't listen back then. Or at least I couldn't process it. Today I started to absorb it but I simply refuse to believe it. (This is where my stubbornness comes in handy!). But after lying in bed for two days or becoming completely exhausted or dizzy after doing to most simplest of tasks, I figured its time to face the music.
Maybe it won't get better. But I do know dwelling on the fact that I have corroded lungs that like to go on vacation from time to time won't improve my situation one bit. I know limiting myself only depresses me. I know that lying around waiting for the next catastropy is robbing me. I also know that even if this one day proves to be the end of me, I will go out with a blaze of glory.
It's a game changer. While processing all of this crap I glimpsed back at the last 6 months since my sentence was handed down. What have I done with that time? A bunch of B.S. Is what I've done with it. What if my expiration date is not decades away like I've planned it? Will I then look back and say the same about my time spent? I sure hope not..
So here's to one more wake up call. Here's to another declaration to get my act together. Here's to life! Here's to hope. And here's to believing that all is not lost!
No comments:
Post a Comment